Monday, April 14, 2014

What it means to be human

This post seems more like a journal entry, so feel free to just look at the pictures if you don't want inside my head today.  I spent the weekend looking after my Dad.  I invited Cristi to come for a night and she happily said she'd love to!  Having her there made it so much easier, it was our own kind of slumber party.  I'm so lucky to have her in my life.
 I wanna look nice for my Dad and this is what I wore:)

   I'm here but I'm barely holding it together.  My physical body is tired from lack of sleep and food and my eyes have never been so puffy and red from the sporadic crying that comes on without notice.  
Fortunately, the sun was shining so beautifully it served as a warm reminder that life is still good.
 so did this very special letter my neighbor wrote to my Dad, from one father to another.  People can be so beautiful can't they?
 In the morning we took Peetee and my Dad's dog Dylan for a walk.
 Dylan lies next to my Dad 24/7, he is his constant companion.
 It breaks my heart to think about how he will feel once Dad dies.
My Dad lives in a mobile home park that he managed up until 2 weeks ago. It's an hours drive from my house which makes getting there during the week difficult. Without the kindness of his neighbors dropping by he would be alone most of the day.  A hospice nurse comes in 3 times a week and helps a great deal.  He still talks about death with dignity and tomorrow I pick up the medication.
My sister and my entire family may all be in another state but they have made sure that I feel their love and support.
Some snaps from my Dad's place.
 He collects these painted animals from Mexico.

Cristi and I got this for his bedside along with some wonderfully scented star gazer lilies.  
My Dad stopped eating about 2 weeks ago, now it's just morphine and chocolate milk.
They don't call them man's best friend for nothing.
Peetee and Dylan love laying with Dad.
They know it's almost time to say goodbye.  

Monday, April 7, 2014

I'll carry the sun in my hand for you

Good Morning WORLD!  Today I am elated to announce our warmest day of the year so far, hello 70's.  I hope for a nice long lay in the sunshine after work. That last sentence makes me laugh so I'm leaving it:) Hey, I even shaved my legs.

This weekend was filled with so much heavy stuff I just want to put it away for now.  I don't think I have ever felt this emotionally drained.  I'm counting the days until my sister arrives on April 17th, my Dad's birthday.  Without the love and support of my family and friends I would be in a very dark place.  Now more than ever I need good times to help take my mind off of death so that I can return to my Dad happy and strong.   We still have some tough days ahead.
 I also need some clothes to make me feel good.  This outfit was getting so much love on Friday!
 The leggings are Kiss Me Kitty of course and the dress is made from up cycled bits.
 I even got recognized as Betty Lou's mermaid at Pip's Donuts, I'm a celebrity people!
 I won't let it go to my head.
  Even cats like me and I am not a cat person.
 Unlike my my sister from another mister, who is part feline herself.

 Sunday we hung out again this time with our boys and burgers and beer were involved.
 My new thrifted bag.
 Cristi said she dressed up extra wild just for me.
 I loved her hair!
 Some more fabulous KMK!
 We went for a nice walk on Mount Tabor.  These dogs were too cute to walk past.  They are buddies.

 Portland's drinking water.
 It felt so good to be outside breathing in the air and feeling the pounding of my own heart.
 Feeling pretty has its own healing effect.
  So does being silly.

 and stopping to notice a gorgeous magnolia in full bloom
 and walks with friends.

I hope you all know how much your advice and kind words about my Dad I am taking to heart.  My strength comes from knowing I'm not alone in my grief and heartache and being very grateful for the wonderful life I have.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

I'll give you my heart

When I first started this blog 2 years ago it was to give myself a place to share my life with whomever cared to listen.   Over the years it has turned into so much more than that, never could I have imagined the real friendships that would start here.  Sure we all enjoy ogling over each others wardrobes but it's about way more than the clothes, it's about connecting and sharing our stories with each other.  The more you open yourself up to others the more you open yourself up to LOVE.
Picture by Furrrka
I feel so much love from the gals in our little blogging tribe.  Some I have been lucky enough to meet and others I still dream about meeting.
Like Helga who was as crazy as you think and twice as gorgeous!  Of course we drank together.  I also met Bella who is a kind, down to earth girl with a lot on her mind. They were both so much fun to hang out with and get to know.
Chris and I made a trip to the UK and met the fabulous Vix and her sweet Jon! (22 years this week)
Meeting Vix was like looking into myself.  We both just wanna have fun and don't take life or ourselves too seriously.  We try to be in the moment.  She was the hostess with the mostest and I can't wait to go back and have them out for a visit.
Here is a picture of the gang of girls I had the pleasure of shopping and chatting with.  The only one besides Vix still at it is Curtise.  Yes, I met Curtise:)  She's tall, bright and dreamy with a open heart and a quick tongue.  I love these gals so much.
When we share real stories about our lives not only do we start to bond but we can learn from each other.  I feel stronger for being in this circle of fabulous women.

Because of this blog I also met Cristi.  She and I share so much together, we are like sisters.  This was on our first meeting.
I mean come on how bizarre and perfect was that!
 I recently met the beautiful sweet Jean too who was a lot of fun to sit and talk too.
I guess my point in all of this is to just say thank you.  Thank you for dropping by, caring and when you want to leaving me a comment.  It makes me feel very much loved.

This week has been one of the hardest of my life.  My Dad is now in hospice and on Saturday we meet with a case worker from Compassion and Choices to discuss his end of life wishes. I have also made arrangements for his cremation.  I have been holding it together for the most part, but the sadness comes in waves and when it hits me I'm knocked to my knees and then I breathe and I'm ok again.
I will be relieved to see an end to his suffering...
and I miss him already because he is so far gone
I can't wait for my sister to get here.  The best thing our parents gave us was each other.  I wanna hug her so hard right now.